I Lost Myself Trying To Chase For Love
Love. It's waking up being greeted by "goodmorning". It's late night talks til 5am. It's being open with your flaws. It's the "I miss you's" every once in a while. It's the messages of "be safe" whenever you go out. It's the feeling of warm hugs and mind blowing kisses which linger til morning. It's the warm blush on your cheeks whenever you're told of something nice. It's the butterflies on your stomach whenever you see the familiar figure coming to you. It's the music that reminds you of him. It's the laughters, the corny jokes, the lame pickup lines. It's the one that makes you open, vulnerable and trusting. It's the hot wrestling on the bed. It's the urge to message whenever you miss him. It's the forgiveness you give in each mistakes. It's the acceptance for whoever he is. It's the motivation to be a better partner. It's the jealousy you feel whenever there's someone crushing on them. It's happiness. And I want it. I wanted it. It's an idealistic view - somewhat of a fairy tale, I suppose. It's the good side of love, just the tip of the iceberg. I wasn't told of the downside of all of these. It's the small fights turned into huge quarrels. It's the change of views. It's the breakage of trust. It's the hurt that cuts deep. It's the time you wouldn't give. It's the betrayal you do. It's staying up all night overthinking things. It's the problem you can't fix. And through it all, because you hold on to an idealistic view, you try to compromise everything - just for it to be better. You chase after him, no, after love. You hold on to the idea that love is something good and all of these bad consequences will end as long as you think positive. And it will hurt. Compromising for him, but only getting little in return. And that will change you. Hurt will turn you into something you're not. Hiding behind your positive views, is a bitter and sinister feeling. You will chase and compromise in the notion of caring for him. But at the same time, everything you said you wouldn't do, would be the same things you will. Just because you chased for your perfect idea of love - clinging to it like a leech sucking for blood. In the end, you will hurt the very person you said you loved. Deep down, unintentionally, you made him felt what you went through. Karma, is it? You both got hurt. Do you feel good? No. It's another heartbreak. But this time, you're the one who caused it. Hurting one another, is this even love? No, it's not. Love is something that you will not be able to explain. Love is something you're not expecting. It isn't something you can chase. It isn't clinging to the idea that it's your happiness. And most importantly, love is something you cannot depend on someone else. It's in you. Find yourself, love your flaws. Be your own happiness. Love yourself. Then you can wait for love.
